For the love of twilight...
…for the love of twilight and early sunrises, the beauty of the bright stars and then a soft pink glow- brings with it hope. It keeps us moving forward. The sleeplessness that stirs late into the night and a heaviness that the early morning seems to bring does at times succeed in pulling us back or keeping us stationary. Many times, the memories when grieving a loved one overwhelms us all so completely, especially in the initial stages of grief. So I started by focusing the children on the simplicity and consistency of nature which helped ground us to the earth. In noticing the bird that was perched on a branch, the deer at our fence at the break of Spring, the sound of the owl in the cold of winter, and the rabbit visiting in Summer brought us solace. But still we felt ourselves wanting to reach out past that and pull the twilight into our soul, to live there- forever instead. It would be very comforting to do so, as that space is what we imagined would be much closer to our love.
Beyond death the children’s daddy is an ever present loving force in their lives. But how does a parent best communicate that? It is very challenging when dealing with such abstract concepts of heaven or whatever your particular belief is for the time and space after death. I hope that my words will comfort your children as much as at times they comforted mine. I have become overcome with grief and it translated many times as over-talking or becoming too quiet. Grieving as an adult while your children are grieving during multiple developmental stages is so complex and emotional. There have been days that I have had complete failure of communication with them on so many levels. At times it was so difficult to determine if I was in fact the youngest child of all. And in moments where I was completely isolated from my older child, it probably was a completely accurate representation.
If I am to be true to myself and to my readers, then I will share this before potential critics may eloquently state the same. I am not just a single mother but a widow and a completely fallible human. In all of my loving moments, I moved through them even when being in complete shock, and then so much pain in suffering awareness. In sustaining my tragedy, and beyond I do invite you to journey with me as I grow my children into this new life, all while re-inventing myself.
If you are a widow like me, I don’t have to promise you that your angels are listening. Or that the universe will try to be kinder, eventually. You most likely already know. And if you don’t know, because so many times that anger made me a skeptic too, you will see your sign. And then you will know too. And even if for a fleeting minute or two, it will be enough for that moment where you can catch your breath and post a small triumph on social media to show that you are still living too.
